Who I am Today

        Growing up is a difficult experience on it's own. What makes it memorable is the experiences you encounter. I have many "adult" memories that have altered my life in some way, shape, or form. Although many of these memories, or experiences, are minor there are quite a few that had a major impact on me. I can remember many vivid memories, brought on by one main experience. My EX boyfriend, Cody.

        In 2011, I met a guy named Cody. We started talking after he saw me and recognized me from a volleyball game. He then added me on Facebook, and began messaging me. He was a year older than me, only lived about 20 minutes away, and managed to make me feel like his princess. Except, not all fairy-tales last forever. Not long after we began dating, I found out from multiple people that he had cheated on me... and not just once. He had not only slept with one of the most "disgusting" people from my area, but also slept with many other girls behind my back. With that news, I was devastated. I had known him for many years through livestock events, but never thought of pursuing any type of relationship with him.

         Now, I wish I never would have pursued a relationship with him. I was Stupid. Even after finding out the heartbreaking news, I still remained with him. I would give my all to him, knowing I was not receiving his in return, and I suppose that is what kept me trying. After we talked about it, things got better, but only for a while. We would break up over stupid arguments, and fight verbally and physically about the choices we both made. Still, I would not leave him.

         About a year and a half after we first began dating, he began talking to girls again. Therefore, we broke up. During this time I am sure many things happened that I still do not know about, but once I started moving on, the break up became unacceptable. He deliberately caused drama between himself and the guy I was interested in at the time. When Cody insulted me, my new interest was fairly unhappy and had words with my ex. They then agreed to meet up and fight, so I took my new interest's side. We showed up, prepared to fight one on one with my ex Cody. We then realized that was a poor decision when 7 of his buddies jumped out the car with him.

        At that point, Cody had my interest jumped, and had a girl thinking I had talked about her, just so she could fight me. Cops got involved, and needless to say my new interest was ruined. You would think a girl would walk away after her ex did something to her like that, right? Like I said, I was an idiot. I went back to him a little less than a month later, and surprisingly things got better. We moved in together over the summer until I had to leave for college. That is when the lies began again, and the fighting worsened.

         I then went off to college, single. Ever since, I have barely heard from him. Sometimes we talk, but only as friends. That relationship not only took a toll on my body, but also on my emotions. He made me an angry person. He made me feel insecure. He also made me feel little, weak, and destroyed any trust left within me. Coming out of that relationship, I cannot stand liars and/or cheaters. I also cannot trust in anything or anyone. If something or someone you love that much can do such harmful things to you, what stops anyone else from doing the same?

          Thankfully, I met my current boyfriend James, and he is the most wonderful man I have ever met. He treats me with great respect, he is honest with me, and he appreciates me for what I am worth. Overall, he has shown me what a real relationship is, and being with him has taught me what a horrific relationship I was in. While I may have some good memories with Cody, I deserved much better; because of that, I have learned my self worth and when to walk away.

Conflicted

Soon enough I will have to turn in a research paper, only problem is; I still have no earthly idea of what topic I am going to do it over. I am conflicted because I would like to write about the poems, but finding the right topics and resources is becoming a very difficult task for me. On the other hand, I actually enjoyed reading the previously assigned graphic novel, and each source seems to be easier to find, along with being much more relevant to my search.

I find myself leaning more towards the novel rather than the poems solely because of the easier access to references and information. As much as I would like to do more research on my poems, it just seems as if I am getting nowhere. With my new approach, Stitches: A Memoir would be the better, more informative approach and it would be in my best interest to research this topic rather than the comparison of two poems.

I am going to take the most obvious approach that ties in well with my purpose from my graphic novel essay. I plan to research the toll that child abuse takes on an individual, and how it could potentially carry on into that individual’s adulthood. I also plan to research whether or not it can be inherited or passed through genetics, or if it is purely a cause and effect “chain reaction”. So far I have two sources that prove to be relevant and address the psychological aspect of child abuse. As for the other resources I will be using, they are still non-existent.

My main source is a book I found on the Gale Virtual Reference Library link called “Child Abuse”. It gives the description of each abuse, a little bit of history, some causes and effects, along with ways to prevent it and overall very useful information. The other source I found was from the link Academic Search Complete. This topic discusses the effects of child abuse as well, but it explains how the exposure to abuse is related to cognitive deficits in adulthood, depending on the type of abuse and the frequency of exposure to abuse. There are a few more resources I have found, but I am not sure if they are appropriate for the point I am trying to get across with my research.

My research will be based off of my graphic novel essay in which I try to figure out Betty as a character. With this research, I hope to elaborate on why Betty is the character she is. I believe she was abused as a child, and I also believe that because she was abused, it led her to be more abusive, cruel, and neglectful to her son David. My hope is to identify what the underlying cause of her personality is, and I believe with all the resources I am discovering, I can explain, or at least give insight, on the psychological toll abuse can have on an individual.